i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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