I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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