i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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