Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
