I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This toilet bowl is my home.
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