if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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