i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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