Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
