Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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