1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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