Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
