you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
