Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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