I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
