I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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