the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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