Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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