What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
