Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize