Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
