Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
