Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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