you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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