If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
