My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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