you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
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You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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