Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
