Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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