I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
