Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
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Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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