I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
