Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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