theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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