They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
