did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
