he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
