guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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