Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one acquire holy water?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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