I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
