I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
