i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
