I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
