Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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