I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
