That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I could fuck to npr.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
