Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
