I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
