Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
