he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
