Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
