Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
