Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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