cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
