My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
