my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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