apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
