Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
