I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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