ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
