just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just found a bag of teeth...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
