i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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