I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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